November 28, 2008

I Should Not Have Home Schooled Her.........

My daughter loves to cook. Unfortunately for her I have never cooked a Thanksgiving turkey. My mom always cooks the turkey. Keri decided that she would cook a Thanksgiving turkey for all of her friends and have a traditional Thanksgiving meal. So her and her best friend started on their turkey cooking agenda.

They rubbed it, seasoned it and begged it to cook perfectly. They had many to impress. She put the turkey into the oven and after many off and on again phone calls to her Mimi begins the preparation for the dressing. We don't stuff our turkeys at our house, we make the dressing seperate with the turkey broth and cornbread. It's the best I've ever had. My Mom's dressing.

Ok, Turkey comes out of the oven and Keri decides it's time to cut the Turkey up and display it on a platter. She's so pleased with how it looks.

But wait, What's this??? There's something inside the Turkey! Someone has played a really bad trick on her! She pulls out this "Thing" and realizes with horror that it is a Turkey Penis!! Someone put the Turkey's penis inside his body!" After her initial shock that someone would do that and It Was That...she decided to throw it away and serve the Turkey without saying a word!

Later she was telling me the story and I nearly died from laughter! Keri, I told her, "It wasn't a penis!" "It was the neck of the Turkey!" "Your suppose to take all that out before you cook it! "You served it even though you thought you cooked a penis in it??" Well...... I would have done the same thing.

I should not have home schooled her. We did manners but not a turkey anatomy class! It's all my fault!

November 24, 2008

Husband Hall of Fame: Birthing Song

I was assisting Donna Miller at a home birth of a young couple many years ago and this baby mama's husband will forever be in the "Husband Hall of Fame".

Most women make all sorts of birthing noise when they are in their groove of birthing their baby. This woman in particular was breathing out moans with every contraction. As she approached transition her birth moans and breathing were getting louder and louder.

Her husband could see that she was some worried about how much noise she was making during the contractions. She was even apologizing in between contractions.

On the next contraction as she began her moans her husband started saying to her...."Good, Honey, sing your birthing song". "Its a beautiful song". "Sing louder your birthing song".

As he spoke freedom to her song with every contraction, she became totally comfortable with her song and it wasn't long before she pushed out her beautiful baby.

Never again will I call the noises that a woman makes in labor....noise.

"Longer, Stronger & Closer Together"

"Longer, Stronger and Closer together". This is a phrase that I use alot when I'm trying to teach women how to tell if the contractions they are having are True Labor or Braxton Hicks. If the contractions are longer, stronger, and closer together then you can bet that you are in true labor. If they stay the same and don't change, then you are in false labor/Braxton Hicks.

I say this phrase more than a few times in my classes.

Recently I had a woman ask me during her prenatal how she would be able to tell that she was in labor. I reminded her of what we taught in class and used the phrase, "Longer, Stronger, and Closer Together".

Oh!!! She said. "I saw that I had written that phrase in my childbirth book but when I looked at it later I thought it had something to do with my marriage"!!!

OK, it could be used for both..... If you survive birth together, your marriage will last longer, you'll be stronger because of it and you will certainly be closer together when your done. "Longer, Stronger & Closer Together". Works for me!

November 19, 2008


One of my clients sent this to me today and I thought I would share it with all of you awesome mom's out there! It is titled: THE INVISIBLE MOTHER

Invisible Mother...... It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone! One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe ..

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.' In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.' At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.
It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.' As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. Great Job, MOM!

Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does.
We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

November 12, 2008

Belly Poopers 2

One common thing that women are always concerned about when giving birth is that they will poop when they are pushing their baby out. We've been taught that its not "lady like" to poop in the presence of others.

I always explain in classes that I'm actually excited when I see poop coming cause that means baby is coming! Whatever is in this baby's way must come out! I figure if I can get women comfortable with pooping in my presence then they will not hold back and push their babies out with gusto and groove!

I had a woman in particular, we'll call her "Bella". She was a very quiet woman and was having her third child and first home birth with me. During the pushing stage of her labor she crawled up into the bed and got on her hands and knees to push her baby out. This baby is bigger than her last and she was pushing with all her might. As I saw her rectum begin to open I knew that this baby was coming down.

All of a sudden I am being shot at with rounds of poop pellets! It was like one of those machines that throws baseballs at you when your doing batting practice! Now these weren't just coming out and falling on the bed. The hard marblel size pellets were hitting me in the chest and then bouncing off of me and rolling around her legs.

My assistant could not be found because she was huddled in a dark corner trying to contain herself! I'm trying to scoop them up and I notice that the head is beginnings to crown! I realize the shooting has stopped and I must ignore the pellets that are rolling around her knees and catch a baby.

So much for being "lady like" giving birth.

Good for her.....Childbirth is not lady like. It is kick butt, shooting #*#* to get your baby out like.

November 10, 2008

Belly Bloopers 1

Every now and then something will happen with a mom or with me and my staff that causes our faces to blush with embarrassment. I will call these stories "Belly Bloopers" and number them as I remember them. Its fun to laugh at ourselves, of course I get the most laughs.

Many, many, many years ago I remember telling a cute little first time mom to go to the bathroom and pee on the strips and tell me what she got. I give this instruction every time it is a womans first time to visit. After that, she knows when and how to do the test on her own. I even say that they should aim good to hit the strip. You know, pee on the strip and compare with the chart on the bottle to see if you are spilling glucose or protein. I say it the same way every time and have for 20 years.

This woman goes into the bathroom with the strip container in hand and I patiently wait for her to return. She comes out of the bathroom holding the strip container in one hand and not one but all of the strips in the other.

I said "What did you do?" and she replied "Well, I peed in the container but I didn't know what you wanted me to do with all these other strips?" It took me a moment to comprehend what she had done. I tried not to chuckle and explained to the woman that she was to pee ON the strip and not IN the container of strips.

She was really embarrased and I said it was my fault for not communicating it better.
I let her keep the bottle!