November 12, 2008

Belly Poopers 2

One common thing that women are always concerned about when giving birth is that they will poop when they are pushing their baby out. We've been taught that its not "lady like" to poop in the presence of others.

I always explain in classes that I'm actually excited when I see poop coming cause that means baby is coming! Whatever is in this baby's way must come out! I figure if I can get women comfortable with pooping in my presence then they will not hold back and push their babies out with gusto and groove!

I had a woman in particular, we'll call her "Bella". She was a very quiet woman and was having her third child and first home birth with me. During the pushing stage of her labor she crawled up into the bed and got on her hands and knees to push her baby out. This baby is bigger than her last and she was pushing with all her might. As I saw her rectum begin to open I knew that this baby was coming down.

All of a sudden I am being shot at with rounds of poop pellets! It was like one of those machines that throws baseballs at you when your doing batting practice! Now these weren't just coming out and falling on the bed. The hard marblel size pellets were hitting me in the chest and then bouncing off of me and rolling around her legs.

My assistant could not be found because she was huddled in a dark corner trying to contain herself! I'm trying to scoop them up and I notice that the head is beginnings to crown! I realize the shooting has stopped and I must ignore the pellets that are rolling around her knees and catch a baby.

So much for being "lady like" giving birth.

Good for her.....Childbirth is not lady like. It is kick butt, shooting #*#* to get your baby out like.


Michelle said...

LOL! Awwww, you did that one just for me cause it's my favorite, huh??! You know I've been married to Monk too long when the poop stories are my favorite! heehee!

Stephanie said...

Oh, wow. That is hilarious!

Heather said...


Anonymous said...


Christine said...

Absolutely hilarious! I would have had a hard time refraining from laughing, if I were you.