A Hole Different Story........

OK, for me to tell this birth story is like me being totally naked with you guys! Its probably the biggest most stupid blunder that I've ever made at a birth.

As a seasoned (a nice way of saying old) midwife I can tell you that you are never too old or good to be humbled by your mistakes. I don't even think that I can say that I had taken NyQuil that night to help bail me out of this blunder.

I had a client who was having her first baby. While in labor she had gotten in the tub. Her contractions and breathing were sounding like her body was pushing without her. It had not been very long since labor had even started so we were all surprised by her grunts and noises. She was in a squat in the water.

I figured I'd better put a glove on and see where this baby's head was just in case she was ready to birth her baby. No woman needs this check....she can birth her baby without my hands being all up in her cool aide, but I was curious and didn't want her to be pushing on any cervix that would swell and get in the way of her pushing her baby out later.

I put a glove on and gently put my finger inside her vagina to see what I could find. She was pushing. I couldn't get my finger inside because I could feel the head at the opening. So I do a little perineal massage to help the area stretch.

Something didn't feel right and in that moment I moved my hand further forward, remember she's in a squat, and found the head to be out of the vagina! I realized I wasn't in her vagina, I was in her rectum!!! Her rectum was inside out and I was feeling the rectal wall not a head! Good Lord, I was doing perineal massage on this woman's poor rectum!

The baby came quickly and easily in the water and she pulled her baby up onto her chest. Everyone was rejoicing!

The whole evening more than a few times after the birth she kept saying "My rectum really hurts!" My students were about to bust a gut because I had told them what I had done. I felt so bad for her. For nights after that I had dreams about pulling on that poor girls booty hole!

To this day, my students teasingly remind me to make sure I'm in the right place! There's a part of me that really hates water birth! You can't freaking see what your doing and it would be hard for anyone to find the vagina if the whoha you were checking was under water and in a squat to boot!

I have since decided its just better to let baby's come on their own in the water and just keep my blind hands off! One woman sacrificed a rectum so that the rest of you can be saved.

Enough of my nakedness! I am humbled and thank God that he isn't done with me yet!

Catch Donna.....the birth supply, that is!

Donna and I have done many many births together. Many different places....big ones, small ones, inside, outside. The smallest place I remember birthing a baby was at the Renaissance Fair http://www.texrenfest.com/themedweekends.html in Fort Worth, There was a couple who worked there, living in a motor home in the park. You know the kind you pull behind your car?

I don't remember anything about the laboring mom because I really didn't ever get to see her face! The husband though I won't forget! He had long hair and a long beard that was braided into three braids. Not our typical clientele. Not our typical place of birth.

We didn't really have time to think much of it because when we got there the laboring mom was in the throws of pushing her baby out. The bed was in the back of the motor home like stuck in the wall. Where you climb into the bed was only as wide as Donna's back side! Sorry, Donna.

So I'm standing behind Donna and I can't get on either side of her to assist. I hear Donna tell the woman that her baby's head is out. I grab the bulb syringe and throw it over Donna's head and hope I didn't hit the mommy! Donna was able to grab bulb syringe and suction out baby. The baby is born. I grab a towel and once again I throw the towel over Donna's head so that she can cover up this sweet baby. I don't remember Donna ducking so I must have been a pretty good shot!

Later Donna and I laughed about how it must have looked! These little church ladies in this very Hippy Renaissance setting! We adapt don't we Donna?! Birth is so fun!

I Should Not Have Home Schooled Her.........

My daughter loves to cook. Unfortunately for her I have never cooked a Thanksgiving turkey. My mom always cooks the turkey. Keri decided that she would cook a Thanksgiving turkey for all of her friends and have a traditional Thanksgiving meal. So her and her best friend started on their turkey cooking agenda.

They rubbed it, seasoned it and begged it to cook perfectly. They had many to impress. She put the turkey into the oven and after many off and on again phone calls to her Mimi begins the preparation for the dressing. We don't stuff our turkeys at our house, we make the dressing seperate with the turkey broth and cornbread. It's the best I've ever had. My Mom's dressing.

Ok, Turkey comes out of the oven and Keri decides it's time to cut the Turkey up and display it on a platter. She's so pleased with how it looks.

But wait, What's this??? There's something inside the Turkey! Someone has played a really bad trick on her! She pulls out this "Thing" and realizes with horror that it is a Turkey Penis!! Someone put the Turkey's penis inside his body!" After her initial shock that someone would do that and It Was That...she decided to throw it away and serve the Turkey without saying a word!

Later she was telling me the story and I nearly died from laughter! Keri, I told her, "It wasn't a penis!" "It was the neck of the Turkey!" "Your suppose to take all that out before you cook it! "You served it even though you thought you cooked a penis in it??" Well...... I would have done the same thing.

I should not have home schooled her. We did manners but not a turkey anatomy class! It's all my fault!

Husband Hall of Fame: Birthing Song

I was assisting Donna Miller at a home birth of a young couple many years ago and this baby mama's husband will forever be in the "Husband Hall of Fame".

Most women make all sorts of birthing noise when they are in their groove of birthing their baby. This woman in particular was breathing out moans with every contraction. As she approached transition her birth moans and breathing were getting louder and louder.

Her husband could see that she was some worried about how much noise she was making during the contractions. She was even apologizing in between contractions.

On the next contraction as she began her moans her husband started saying to her...."Good, Honey, sing your birthing song". "Its a beautiful song". "Sing louder your birthing song".

As he spoke freedom to her song with every contraction, she became totally comfortable with her song and it wasn't long before she pushed out her beautiful baby.

Never again will I call the noises that a woman makes in labor....noise.

"Longer, Stronger & Closer Together"

"Longer, Stronger and Closer together". This is a phrase that I use alot when I'm trying to teach women how to tell if the contractions they are having are True Labor or Braxton Hicks. If the contractions are longer, stronger, and closer together then you can bet that you are in true labor. If they stay the same and don't change, then you are in false labor/Braxton Hicks.

I say this phrase more than a few times in my classes.

Recently I had a woman ask me during her prenatal how she would be able to tell that she was in labor. I reminded her of what we taught in class and used the phrase, "Longer, Stronger, and Closer Together".

Oh!!! She said. "I saw that I had written that phrase in my childbirth book but when I looked at it later I thought it had something to do with my marriage"!!!

OK, it could be used for both..... If you survive birth together, your marriage will last longer, you'll be stronger because of it and you will certainly be closer together when your done. "Longer, Stronger & Closer Together". Works for me!

THE INVISIBLE MOTHER

One of my clients sent this to me today and I thought I would share it with all of you awesome mom's out there! It is titled: THE INVISIBLE MOTHER


Invisible Mother...... It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone! One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe ..

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.' In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.' At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.
It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.' As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.


And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. Great Job, MOM!

Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does.
We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

Belly Poopers 2

One common thing that women are always concerned about when giving birth is that they will poop when they are pushing their baby out. We've been taught that its not "lady like" to poop in the presence of others.

I always explain in classes that I'm actually excited when I see poop coming cause that means baby is coming! Whatever is in this baby's way must come out! I figure if I can get women comfortable with pooping in my presence then they will not hold back and push their babies out with gusto and groove!

I had a woman in particular, we'll call her "Bella". She was a very quiet woman and was having her third child and first home birth with me. During the pushing stage of her labor she crawled up into the bed and got on her hands and knees to push her baby out. This baby is bigger than her last and she was pushing with all her might. As I saw her rectum begin to open I knew that this baby was coming down.

All of a sudden I am being shot at with rounds of poop pellets! It was like one of those machines that throws baseballs at you when your doing batting practice! Now these weren't just coming out and falling on the bed. The hard marblel size pellets were hitting me in the chest and then bouncing off of me and rolling around her legs.

My assistant could not be found because she was huddled in a dark corner trying to contain herself! I'm trying to scoop them up and I notice that the head is beginnings to crown! I realize the shooting has stopped and I must ignore the pellets that are rolling around her knees and catch a baby.

So much for being "lady like" giving birth.

Good for her.....Childbirth is not lady like. It is kick butt, shooting #*#* to get your baby out like.