February 12, 2009

A Hole Different Story........

OK, for me to tell this birth story is like me being totally naked with you guys! Its probably the biggest most stupid blunder that I've ever made at a birth.

As a seasoned (a nice way of saying old) midwife I can tell you that you are never too old or good to be humbled by your mistakes. I don't even think that I can say that I had taken NyQuil that night to help bail me out of this blunder.

I had a client who was having her first baby. While in labor she had gotten in the tub. Her contractions and breathing were sounding like her body was pushing without her. It had not been very long since labor had even started so we were all surprised by her grunts and noises. She was in a squat in the water.

I figured I'd better put a glove on and see where this baby's head was just in case she was ready to birth her baby. No woman needs this check....she can birth her baby without my hands being all up in her cool aide, but I was curious and didn't want her to be pushing on any cervix that would swell and get in the way of her pushing her baby out later.

I put a glove on and gently put my finger inside her vagina to see what I could find. She was pushing. I couldn't get my finger inside because I could feel the head at the opening. So I do a little perineal massage to help the area stretch.

Something didn't feel right and in that moment I moved my hand further forward, remember she's in a squat, and found the head to be out of the vagina! I realized I wasn't in her vagina, I was in her rectum!!! Her rectum was inside out and I was feeling the rectal wall not a head! Good Lord, I was doing perineal massage on this woman's poor rectum!

The baby came quickly and easily in the water and she pulled her baby up onto her chest. Everyone was rejoicing!

The whole evening more than a few times after the birth she kept saying "My rectum really hurts!" My students were about to bust a gut because I had told them what I had done. I felt so bad for her. For nights after that I had dreams about pulling on that poor girls booty hole!

To this day, my students teasingly remind me to make sure I'm in the right place! There's a part of me that really hates water birth! You can't freaking see what your doing and it would be hard for anyone to find the vagina if the whoha you were checking was under water and in a squat to boot!

I have since decided its just better to let baby's come on their own in the water and just keep my blind hands off! One woman sacrificed a rectum so that the rest of you can be saved.

Enough of my nakedness! I am humbled and thank God that he isn't done with me yet!


JB and Cindy said...

You are so cute :)! I am rolling in laughter- definitely one of my best memories. Thanks for sharing for the rest of us :)))

Michelle said...

Hey, wasn't that me??!!?? BAHAHAHA!! I only have two comments about this:

1. You're SURE you were wearing gloves, right?


2. Stories like this make me love you more!!! HAHAHAHA!

But seriously, that was me, right?! HA! jk!

Stephanie said...

That is hilarious! I am glad that wasn't me...lol.

Jamie Rogers said...

HAHAHA!! That's great! I need to get my mom on blogspot so she can share her birth stories. I'm sure she has plenty of these stories. Blessings!